if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
