I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
