i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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