remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
