Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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