I looked at my own cervix.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
