see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
