I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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