I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
