Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
