I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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