I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
