guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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