So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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