It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
