im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
