You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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