your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize