Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
