I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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