Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
