In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
