She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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