I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I need to stop coming to work sober
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
