I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
