Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
