I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.