Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.