This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
