God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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