Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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