I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
