words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
