saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
