If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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