peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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