The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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