he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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