WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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