my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Randomize
