This is not my ceiling
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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