I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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