I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i think my cat just said my name.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
