he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
