And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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