I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
