Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
