All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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