last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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