I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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