alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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