My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
