True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
