I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..