FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
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I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.